7.31.17

when you lose something you can’t replace
when you love someone but it goes to waste

when you’re too in love to let it go
but

if you never try you’ll never know
just what you’re worth

[fix you by coldplay]

just how many times do i have to let go until i don’t have to let go anymore?

yesterday i thought, the worst part about this is that i’m in the middle of a process. that being in this place means raw emotion, pain, and aches no one will ever truly understand except myself.

and yet. the best thing about this is also that this is a process. which means this is not the end. one day this will be over. the best is yet to come.

though You slay me
yet i will praise You
though You take from me
i will bless Your name
though You ruin me
still I will worship
sing a song to the one who’s all i need

-shane & shane

because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.

-psalm 63:6

healing is a process. it’s a process that involves more than just a few ingredients. and sometimes it doesn’t look like carefully measuring out each cup and teaspoon before putting it into the oven to bake for 25 minutes at 400 degrees fahrenheit.

no, this healing thing is a slow cooker. for me, at least. inside, a bunch of random things are thrown together. anger before worship. then hurt mixed in with surrender. pride and impatience and disbelief seasoned with grace that leads to repentance and dependence on You. sitting in the sadness after realizing i was suppressing the pain for a little too long. it’s good days and then some bad. and then it’s me thinking i’m almost done with this all and ready to move on to the next thing before You and i discover the flavor’s really uneven in this one spot and we have to do this all over again.

it’s frustrating because it can feel lonely sometimes. because whatever’s happening is happening inside. no one else will know just what is taking place. no one else will understand just what i’m experiencing. as much as i can let others in on the next update and ask them to pick up the lid and add in a pinch of encouragement and a dash of prayer, it’s impossible for anyone to really see everything going on underneath the surface.

but You knew that, didn’t You. You knew that no one else would be able to see straight through into my pain, into my innermost thoughts and understand every second of each bittersweet memory. except You.

in the silence, in the noise, in the suffering, You want to cultivate an intimacy with me that teaches me what it means to be Yours and only Yours. to strip me of my self-sufficiency and inability to stop relying on myself. to show me how to align my heart so that it beats to the rhythm of Yours. You wait until i’m tired of talking, until i’m done telling You lies. You wait until the room is finally empty and all we’re left with is my broken heart and the sound of Your voice. until i’m ready to listen.

what’s next, Father? what then?

we dance, my child. we dance. 

will it be worth it?

oh, so worth it. 

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