open door

Dear God, what does that mean? open door. two out of the many words you gave me yesterday.

two things usually hold me back from going to the altar after the sermon: fear of what people will think of me and fear of surrender. when i went yesterday, i received the words “open door”.

then twiggie met up with me for lunch. everything you’ve done in my life leading up to this point in time has been to open a door for me. i feel as if there is nothing much left to do on your part; all that is left is for me to respond. to let go of bitterness, pain, hurt, fear, insecurities, pride, control. to let go of numbing my pain by not dealing with it. to let go of blaming others for where i stand in my relationship with God.

dear m. i’m angry at you. i’ve been angry at you for most of my life. first,  it was just confusion. why did you lash out at me when i tried my best? why did you not tell me you loved me when you should have? why did your insecurities have to cut me, too? why did you have to hurt me so much that it made me wish you dead? why did you reject me when i gave you my heart?

why have you never apologized to me. why do you always justify the wrongs you did to me.

aveline, for years now you have been equating your healing with m’s change in response toward you. but my breakthrough is completely between God and me. it has nothing to do with m. oh, what i would give to see m understand me, my pain, my heart. yes, what an experience it would be. but there’s something bigger and greater in God wanting me to surrender my mess to him.

stepping stones. i can choose to use my mess to grow or i can choose to be bitter and use it against myself.

i am a daughter of God. my mess – the pain numbing, the pride, the impatience, the bitterness, the insecurities, the anger – are opportunities to step closer to you. i can choose to linger in the messiness or i can ask God to not let it hold me.

“I will come soon to carry you over the threshold into eternity. My desire is to lift the veil from your eyes that you might see who you really are, My Princess, My Bride…I long to get close enough to give you a glimpse of My eternal love for you…I will give you a new hope in your heart that you will change your view of Me, of yourself, and of the world around you forever.” [Sheri Rose Shepherd]

The Lord All-Powerful,

the Holy God of Israel,

rules all the earth.

He is your Creator and husband, and he will rescue you.

Isaiah 54:5

 

dear Lord, please change my view of You, myself, and the world around me tomorrow. tomorrow is the first AARO.

 

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