Draw Near to Me

Today my legs were cold. Because I wore a dress and it was cold outside. Duh.

The Christmas tree in the apartment is finished and the snowman on our fridge is completed. We haven’t hung up the lights though.

I have a lot of studying to do for accounting, but there is just no motivation in me to do it. I just want to run away to the mountains and sit on grass and hug lambs and make flower bouquets.

I was going to say that I wish I could curl up in bed and not wake up for 6 months. But then I realized I say that all the time.

Something needs to be changed.

I’m pretty sure I know what it is. The struggle is really whether or I not I want to believe what He says.

or who He says He is.

or how much He says I matter to Him.

I wonder when I’ll finally pick myself up from this hissy fit I’ve been throwing for a long time.

It’s December 3, and Advent has begun.

It says that He says

“Draw near to me through your High Priest.

Draw near to me in confession and prayer and meditation and trust and praise.

Come.

I will not cast you out.”

For Christ

“is able to save to the uttermost those who draw near to God through him, since He always lives to make intercession for them” (Heb 7:25).

Oh God.

I don’t feel like praying. Why is praying so hard.

Why is life so hard.

Why do I make life so hard.

I’m super angry. I think.

Don’t forget to get your allergy shot tomorrow, Aveline.

Why does prayer seem so hard.

Why does work seem so dull.

Why does it seem like if I don’t make my first move, you won’t either? Why does it seem like everything You do is a response to my initiation?

Why does it feel like I have to earn your attention?

I know You’re not a works-based God. I know you’re a love-based God.

But it feels like all I do is try to earn Your love.

I think people will tell me to pick myself up and to read the Bible more. Just trust, just pray more, just wait, they will say.

But right now, I don’t want to do anything. I want You to show me.

I want You to show me that I’m worth enough for You to perform a miracle.

Because it feels like I’m quietly suffocating myself to sleep.

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